


I'll Only Hurt You If You Let Me

by Swanyu_Tales



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Break Up, But it is a healthy ending, Emotional Manipulation, Fights, M/M, Moving On, Not A Happy Ending, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Relationships, kind of?, so there's that I suppose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23938549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swanyu_Tales/pseuds/Swanyu_Tales
Summary: Nathan and Shoma find their ability to communicate healthily with each other rapidly deteriorating. This is a story of failed communication, unhealthy relationships, the fallout of breaking up, and of how people move on.
Relationships: Jason Brown/Shoma Uno, Nathan Chen/Shoma Uno
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	I'll Only Hurt You If You Let Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I haven't posted a longer piece in a while, but here we go! I've had this done since June, but I wasn't sure about posting it because of the content, implications, and general self-doubt. Looking back at it before posting it helped me realize that I need to have more confidence to post what I write, so I'll probably post some older pieces of mine in the future, whether or not they are particularly good. What I don't think is good, someone else might like. Seeing people comment on certain pieces I have written lately with such love has shown me this, and I can't thank the people who follow my works enough for that. This is the 50th work I've posted, and what better way to celebrate this milestone than with what I do best (darker fics), and with a shift in how I feel I can approach my own writing.
> 
> I want to quickly state that this is a complete work of fiction, and I took a lot of creative liberties with how I wrote people's personalities, as always. With that out of the way, I'd like to take a moment to thank K1mHeechu1 for looking this over for me, and for convincing me to post it finally. I hope you all find this enjoyable!

One, two,  
You hurt me, I hurt you.

Nathan was on edge, as he had been in a number of arguments with Shoma over the past two weeks, and it seemed like they were getting progressively worse. If this kept up, he wasn't sure he could keep their relationship together. He already knew Shoma was lying to him about something, he knew him well enough to know how he acted when he wasn't telling the truth. The fact he was lying wasn't the worst part though, it was how viciously he defended himself when he knew that Nathan was already aware he was lying.

This situation wasn't being addressed in a healthy way, and it seemed that wasn't an option after Shoma blew up at the suggestion of going to couple’s therapy to work things out in a less dysfunctional manner. Nathan knew Shoma wasn't comfortable with other people knowing about them, or other people knowing he was in a relationship at all, but the reaction it sparked was so visceral and explosive that it left him dumbfounded.

He honestly had no idea what Shoma was hiding that would cause a reaction like that. It had to be that he was hiding something, he couldn't think of anything else that could be that big of an issue. But what was it that was being kept from him? His mind only went to the worst-case scenarios, but those seemed more and more possible with every passing day, and every passing argument.

Three, four,  
Poison laced words, and slamming doors.

"Shoma, you aren't even making an effort to work this out with me!" Nathan was so angry by then that he wasn't sure he had the motivation to fix their relationship.

"Why do you keep insisting I'm lying to you? Do you have any faith in me at all?" Shoma yelled with tears in his eyes.

"I like to think I know you enough to tell when you aren't being truthful Sho..."

"Don't 'Sho' me after you lash out like that! I'm done Nathan, you want to know what I've been lying about?" He took a deep breath, "I've been thinking about us and I don't think this is working out. I started to have doubts and I tried to express to you that I was emotionally fragile, but guess what you did? You took advantage of that. You started accusing me of hiding something from you because I was acting 'distant and weird'. I wasn't sure of what I was feeling yet, but when you suggested therapy, I lost it because you thought we were broken too, I lost hope right then and there for this relationship. You've done nothing the past few weeks but fight me and make me feel like human garbage, and guess what? I'm not playing this emotional game anymore, because I know that's what this is to you now, a game."

"Don't be ridiculous, I would never treat our relationship like a game. You're acting delusional." If Nathan was honest, he was pretty done with this whole situation. If he had known Shoma was going to go and be a drama queen like this, he wouldn't have gotten so invested in the first place.

"I’m the delusional one? Oh, I think not! We are done, you emotionally manipulative poor excuse of a human being! I'm going home."

And with that, Shoma slammed the door and was gone. All that remained were his parting words echoing in Nathan's head and the ringing sound the door slamming left in his ears. He hardly knew what had happened, it was all over so quickly. Was he emotionally manipulative? He didn't think he was, but he felt like he needed to reassess some things.

Five, six,  
"You make me sick."

Nathan wasn't even sure how to feel about the breakup still. It was still too fresh and too painful to process correctly, yet here he was, at an ice show with Shoma being told that he made his ex feel sick. He didn't even know how to respond.

"I'm going to ask a favor I don't deserve. Can we talk later? I'm struggling with understanding what happened even, and I need a sense of closure for this whole mess." Nathan had gotten really critical of himself and struggled with his self-worth after the breakup, and he needed to directly address the situation with Shoma to get his head cleared.

"What makes you think I care?" Shoma's response was cold and removed.

It was then that Nathan realized just how hurt Shoma was too. He closed himself off emotionally when he was hurt, and he pushed people away without thinking about how they felt in an attempt to protect himself. He should have seen this earlier, but it was difficult to read Shoma on a good day, let alone in the middle of a heated argument.

"I guess I was wrong. I thought it might be good to have a post breakup conversation to tie up loose ends for both of us."

"What would be good for you isn't necessarily what is good for me," Shoma spat with a venomous tone to his voice, "What would be good for me, if you really care at all, would be you leaving me alone."

Seven, eight,  
"It's too late."

"Sho... I told you I'm sorry for what I did. I'll give you time to mull it over though, it takes time for apologies to sink in and mean something. I understand how you feel, so I'll leave you be for now. Come find me when you're ready to talk it out." Nathan spoke softly as he left the table Shoma was sitting at while he ate.

He had taken a lot of time to reflect since they broke up, and he realized he hadn't exactly been in the right either. So, he figured apologizing to Shoma was the best course of action. Maybe they could reconcile and be able to be in the same room without a suffocating sense of tension following them.

Hell, maybe they could even be friends again given time. He really wished that he could hope for that, actually. Nathan was well aware of the fact that there was no chance of them getting back together after something like this. He even wondered if it wasn't for the best that things turned out this way. If Shoma really had been questioning their relationship before all the fights started, then they had probably been doomed to break up anyway.

However, he reasoned, some people made great friends but just weren’t compatible to date. As he continued to think about it, the more likely it seemed they could be friends again eventually. Sure, he had hurt Shoma, and had been hurt himself, but that happened to even the closest of friends at times. He further rationalized that the old saying ‘time heals all wounds’ had to be a common saying for a reason.

Nine, ten,  
"How dare you think we could still be friends!"

Those words hit Nathan like a truck. Shoma was appalled at the idea of rekindling their friendship, and there was no mistaking it. He glared daggers at Nathan as he had spoken, making sure his intent couldn’t be mistaken. Nathan had been so caught up in rationalizing with himself that they could fix their friendship that he had never stopped to consider that Shoma wouldn’t want that as well.

“I-“

Shoma immediately cut him off.

“Nathan, I want this over with as much as you do, for very different reasons. You want the awkwardness to go away, I want you to go away,” Nathan flinched at that, “I took a huge risk dating you in the first place, given how the public would have reacted if they found out, and while I didn’t handle things well, you blew the whole thing out of proportion and acted like an ass. Throughout this whole thing have you even once thought about how I feel or am thinking about all this?”

Nathan went to respond, and then paused. He really hadn’t thought about Shoma’s feelings, had he? No wonder he kept messing things up or getting the cold shoulder. He had been so caught up in his own internal drama that he hadn’t spared a second thought to how Shoma was feeling most of the time, and when he had, it was mostly in an attempt to justify his own actions or logic.

“Not really. I’m pretty obviously in the wrong here though, and I will fully own up to it. While I still think both of us are at fault…” He sighed, “Yeah it was mostly me. I messed up bad, and I’m sorry about that. I got caught up in my own head, and I hurt you. I hurt both of us really.”

“No shit Sherlock, but I’m glad you finally see things the way I’ve been seeing them this whole time,” Shoma smiled as he spoke, but it wasn’t a kind smile, “I still think it’s best that we just don’t talk or interact unless we have to do so, it is obvious we just tear each other to shreds emotionally. It would be so much easier to just cut ties once and for all.”

“As much as I wish we could work this out, I think you are probably right. You may act like a child with your hatred of veggies and your videogame obsession, but you were always the more rational of the two of us in a lot of regards,” Nathan braced himself for the next thing he needed to say, “I guess this is goodbye then, I wish you the best.”

Shoma blinked and stood still for a moment, somewhat resembling an internet browser trying to load something but failing miserably. Nathan took this as his cue to leave, and headed for the door.  
“And the same to you I suppose.” Shoma barely whispered as Nathan closed the door.

The next time Nathan saw Shoma was at another ice show, but this time they had both moved on. Neither were particularly friendly, but they were civil at the very least. He assumed Shoma had found someone else, but figured it wasn’t his place to ask. However, Jason Brown was the last person he expected to see kissing Shoma when he walked backstage. He just stood there, staring in shock at the scene in front of him. It seemed that Shoma’s need for secrecy concerning relationships had gone out the window since they broke up. Nathan wasn’t jealous, he just wished that Shoma hadn’t chosen someone else from the sport, especially team USA.

Or maybe he was a bit jealous, but that didn’t matter, because Shoma had moved on.

Shoma was perfectly happy without him in his life.


End file.
